Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Like love?
My tears keep coming down because of this.
The way things use to be. Change and I don’t mix very well.

I think about the day that my ex boyfriend and I told each other we loved each other.

I had just got back from a trip out of town, he came over to my apartment; I was putting my things away and he stopped me grabbed my face and kissed me. Because he missed me. Now I can hardly get him to follow through with plans, as friends.

How do feelings change like that? How can you go from caring about someone so much and loving them so much, to just not wanting to have anything to do with them?

Sometimes I feel like I still love him. I’d give anything to just have him back. Back to the way he used to be. Back to when he loved me. And made me feel important and when I made him happy.

I asked him today when he stopped loving me. I know it was wrong. But I was reading in my journal.
There were things like “I really still love him, I know he loves me” then the next entry “I don’t think he loves me anymore, and I don’t think he ever will again”

I want to know why? When? How? Can it ever go back? Was it me? Did I change? I’ll fix it…I promise.

I usually write these blogs when I am crying. And when I am crying I usually do stupid things. It’s almost like being drunk. Doing things I regret, and would have never done when I wasn’t crying. My emotions take control.

I didn’t even start crying because of my ex. It was mainly because of myself. I like this guy, and things aren’t going the way I’d hoped. Then I started to think about my weight, and if I was thin it wouldn’t be so hard to get a guy maybe. My friend is pretty and has a nice body, she has no problem. Then I started to think about how I really have no one…If I put my phone in a box for a day, I don’t think I’d have any texts. I'm not important to text you know? I don’t have a best friend; I’m not anyone’s #1 priority.

I don’t know. I just get scared. I'm afraid I’ll never have a wedding, unless I get thin. I'm afraid people are embarrassed to go out with me, because I don’t dress sexy for the very reason that I don’t like my body.

I don’t know what to do. I'm tired of playing the waiting game.

When is it going to be over?